University of Vermont AAHS

Horse Humor from past issues of Caution:Horses

"Fear is the mother of safety." --Mark Twain

We Can't Believe They Said It!
1. How long should I make my round pen?
2. What do I put on my horse's head to halter him?
3. My trainer says he feeds hay and Omelene; how do I get him to feed grain?
4. What's the wash rack for?
5. Where can I find a dressage specialist to get the soreness out of my horse's muscles?
6. Quick, call the vegetarian.
7. There was nothing to do and we were all bored certified.

Bubbba and Jose lived on the Texas-Mexico border. Both raised donkeys to sell as pets. Bubba in Texas always managed to sell more donkeys than Jose because his donkeys were cleaner and looked better. In the pasture, in the barn, it didn't matter Bubba had the cleaner donkeys. Jose asked Bubba what he did to keep them so clean so he could do the same but Bubba said he didn't do anything special.

So Jose called a donkey specialist to see what was wrong. The specialist said we see this all the time and here is nothing you can do. It's just that the ass goes cleaner on the other side.

Q. How many riding instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two, one to change the bulb and one to go for help.

Maxine - who brags she's never had a lesson
Maxine say John Wayne loosen his cinch before he went into the saloon, so she loosens hers whenever she dismounts John Wayne tightened his cinch before he re-mounted. Guess who forgot? Maxine spent $70 in saddle repairs after she caught her horse. Maxine was lucky.

Maxine wrapped her reins around the top board of a fence; she knew better than to tie her horse by the reins or tie him to a board. The horse sat back; the board came loose and smacked Maxine in the face. The reins don't slip so well.

Q. What would you get if you crossed a mean mule with a mute owl?
A. An animal that would kick you and not give a hoot.

Q. Why did the equestrian rider take her gloves off?
A. She didn't feel well.

We have a stock dog that wants to be a barn cat so we feed him Mice Crispies.

The difference between a mare and a postage stamp is that one is female; the other is a mail fee.

Q. What do they call the Clydesdale emissary to the United States?
A. The Ambassador that's large.

Q. What do they call the riding instructor who leads horses with loops of rope around her right hand?
A. Lefty.

My teenage eventers are fearless because their deodorant promises complete protection.

Why is talking to riding students like talking to goats? Both butt in.

Where do you go to fix the barn when your new horse kicks a wall out? Wal-Mart.

Riding students should do their share of barn work because it helps to stabilize them.

There is a resident rat in the feed room. We call him Mousey Tung.

What happened when all the campers ran away with the circus horses? The police made the circus return the horses.

The only thing Florida horses gain by going to California is 3 hours.

A strict riding instructor is one whose remarks are candid, but not candied.

Opportunity is often disguised as hard work.

Stable apprentices should be more like clocks and pass time by keeping their hands busy.

There is a difference between working up steam and working in a fog.

My barn manager spends December working his fingers to the bonus.

Q. How can I get a mink?
A. Same way a mink does.

A wedding is a funeral where you can smell your own flowers.

The horse show contestant who complains that she didn't get what she deserved should be grateful.

Mannish-depressive. Delusions of gender.

Should it take so many laws to enforce the Commandments?

It's okay for the teenage girls to wear lipstick with their barn clothes--just don't let the boys wipe it off.

When teenagers want to drive the dually, a wise person won't stand in their way.

A horse show is a place where you can spend hundreds of dollars on a little piece of colored ribbon.

Swearing in the stable is par for the coarse.

The difference between a stumbling block and a stepping stone is the way you use it.

When she fell in love with her animal science teacher she put heart before the course.

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